Open to anyone who wants to see Hiroki/ 'Kashi / not quite Shiro whatever, and to any who helped him

[somekindofspaceuncle]

His search for a way home brought him nothing at first, for hours, for days, but then, he desperately called out to the Black Lion. And whether his a bit weak Quintessence right now, his very frayed spirit, was heard or not, he knows this: he's found a way home, if just for a few moments.

And then he's back. He looks shaken, but differently than just days prior. He knows things now.

And he looks around, making sure he's in Nexus. He is. Possibly near a library, possibly near a hotel, or a bar, or a restaurant.

He bites his lip and plays with his hair with white tufts and with black, still there, and rubs at his eyes, as if to make sure everything's still there and his own, not lost to him. He is...

Well, he is, is here, let's leave it at that. He laughs a little, mirthlessly, then stops upon hearing himself. No, this is... he musn't have regrets. He has no rights to those, ever. He has no right, none, not after everything's he (gave in and) done (if he struggled more, and more, more, could he have helped-- he thought he struggled as much as he could've, but how could that be true, if he still gave in, even in front of-

Katie, Lance, Keith, everyone, and whoever that new Altean girl was, and, Lotor-

So, no, he has no rights to any going back, none-

He knows that, now. He thinks so. He's here because-- he promised, a few people. Can't just go away if he has swore.

"Am I dead?" he mutters, under his breath.

(He's very much alive as far as the Nexus is concerned.)

"I'm probably dead," he adds, still under his breath.

He shakes his head, as if checking that he can still do so, with his own head. The important thing was, is, that apart from the Castle, everyone and everything was safe, for, huh, his definition of safe. He should be celebrating that right now. He should. Maybe he will, soon. It did no one any good to get caught on petty, selfish details.

Yeah.

He stretches a bit. Since he still apparently has own muscles, here, might as well use those to get less tense. Accidentally, he yawns. Just, outright.

Er.

Comments

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I want you." It's more determined and less frantic than the last time he said it a few moments ago. He looks into Hiroki's eyes for just a moment, sorting feelings and actually mulling over what he's saying.

"I'd probably put the fire out instead of jumping in." He comments with a little sass and sarcasm. "I'm not going to regret it. Have you stopped to ask whether you'd regret walking out on me?"

He asks with seriousness but his long fingers are just gripping more tightly to Hiroki's shirt.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

If Ziggy's been trying to make one dead clone fall for him, head over heels, then congratulations, Ziggy's just succeeded.

The question startles 'Shiro', no, Hiroki Shirogane, however, because of how purely nonsensical it is. He would regret walking out on Ziggy. That's not even in question, never was, since the beginning. Of course he wo--- will--w--

Quiznak. Fuck it all. If I don't go now, right this tick, I never will, I can't, I... don't...why is he making it more difficult? Just so that it hurts me more, once I leave? Fine!, 'Shiro', no, not quite thinks. Well. He thinks.

"You're neither a child, nor a king. You can't have everything you want, sorry to say. You don't need me, you never did, I'm the one who needed you, and you know that, too. You don't need me at all. Let go. I'm leaving. Because, you-"

He's not moving to leave, because Ziggy's gripping him right now, and he knows the other is ever so fragile, it seems.

Because, you...

Ziggy...

Because unlike him, some fabricated existence, a lie, a fake copy of a real broken soldier, Ziggy is real and truly, really matters.

Could he become real??

Well... how?

One can't make something out of nothing. So letting go would be best... wouldn't it?

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"Are you going to stop me?" There's bite and challenge in that question but it quickly turns heated and irritated.

"You are in no place to tell me what I need. Stop it! Just stop telling me what I want instead of listening to me." Ziggy's starting to shake from being upset over this. He didn't think it mattered this much. It felt surprising to argue. Every time in the past he let people walk or shoved them out the door. Why not now?

"...because I what?" Ziggy wants the rest of that sentence. His mismatched blue eyes are locked on Hiroki's face, waiting and stubbornly defying his request to get out of the way.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"...wait. Are you alright?" the young man asks, concerned.

Everything else can quiznaking wait. Apparently.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

He looks at him like he's lost his mind.

"No! I'm not." Ziggy frowns at him. "You can't just tell someone you love them everytime you're around, and then walk out the door like they're trash because you.... whatever you've imagined is going to happen. It's cruel."

No, this is making the trembling worse. Ziggy's not used to being upset. He goes out of his way usually to keep things calm or happy around himself. These emotions are all unexpected and uncomfortable

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"That is exactly why. Why I owe you"

"an explanation."

He gently tries to pry Ziggy's fingers open from his shirt.

"If you asked me way back when what was the first thing I remembered, I'd have told you nothing, because I knew no language. But I remember, crystal clear. My first my memory, I was drowning."

"Oh, not quite. I wasn't going to drown. But back then, I didn't know so much, was ignorant of worlds, plans, or people, or air, all I knew was, there was nothing, now there is... not nothing? And I will die drowning. Whatever 'I' is. That was all I knew for what was surely a moment, but I had thought it was eternity. Eternity is a strange word... concept...??, wordlessly, pre language, did you know? I find it very fascinating.", he whispers.

He forces himself to smile.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

There is no way he's going to pry his fingers loose without tearing the shirt or breaking fingers.

"I don't.... " Ziggy pauses and thinks quietly then starts over. "You keep telling me all of this like it is going to make me stop caring. It's doing the exact opposite... don't you see that?"

That was the truth. The more he learned about the man he was clinging to the harder he seemed to be falling. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly to regain control.

"You keep telling me you don't belong anywhere. I don't either. There's not another person like me anywhere in the universe. My father's species, humans, want my mother's dead.... most of my mother's species thinks my father's people are uncivilized animals. I don't fit anywhere. No one wants me to exist. I don't even know how long I'll survive because my genetics... they don't work together, they're not compatible."

Ziggy hasn't loosened his grip on Hiroki's shirt. "I know what it means to not have anywhere.. I didn't even get a chance to feel it for awhile, you did... you belonged somewhere for awhile."

1/2

[somekindofspaceuncle]

He's not going to break Ziggy's fingers, but he definitely doesn't care for the shirt. Though it's hard to do that left-handed.

"The only reason I belonged at my home was because I was Shiro. I remembered being Shiro. I believed I was Shiro. Therefore, it was my home. I still wish, with all my heart, I wish I was Shiro."

"It was my family - no, it is my family, but I am not theirs."

"I lived in deceit - not of my own making, but of the Zarkon's witch's."

"My family hates me by now, surely, because of her. Ziggy, I've lost everything I had - no. Everything he had, and I thought I had, because I was him - no, because I had thought I was him. You - you're you, you never had to be -- not you, and then realise that no, surprise! Actually, you're yourself, and that's all."

"I... I'm sorry. About your... situation. I promised to protect you - but how can I, if it turns out I can't protect you even from myself?"

2/2

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"And I have not finished. I owe you an explanation. Complete one. I do."

"After I drowned - not really, but I had thought so, or rather, had felt so, I hadn't known how to think - I had heard an odd, alien, wrong, powerful whisper in my Quintessence. I had disagreed with that odd whisper, pretty thoroughly, so I had shoved it away, with all my strength. That was it, the odd whisper had quieted, ergo, it had no longer been there. I had shoved it away. Relief... is also a strange sensation, without words. And there were no words, still. Imagine a wordless world. I don't want to live in one, again. I think... I like words. They're fun. I had shoved away, as I said.."

"Or..."

His voice hitches.

"Or so I had thought. Turns out - I had only believed so. But, it hadn't been true."

He suddenly looks as if he might, in a moment, hyperventilate. Remembering this, making himself remember this, might be the worst torture.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"You've lost everything so it is ok to throw me away too?" Ziggy thought he was gaining composure but apparently not. "No, no! Hiroki, I lie everyday. I can't ever be who I am in the open or they will cut me to pieces like the did the last Anthean on Earth. They already want me dead and I'm not even my whole self."

He holds up his left hand with all the surgical scars. "My friends, the closest people to me, my own band crushed my hand to try and ruin my career. They may even be the ones that had me shot." Ziggy just shakes his head feeling like he's not being understood. "I don't have anywhere safe, not even behind closed doors. The things they've done to me because I don't fit in. You can't imagine."

Ziggy listens and just leans into his chest. This is getting to be too much. Too many emotions of his own, too many from the other man with him. After a moment of quiet Ziggy asks without picking his head up from where it is laying against Hiroki.

"Was it the witch? The voice." He's trying to make sense of everything he's being told while struggling with his own emotional upheaval too.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Y-yes, it had to be her."

It... yes.

"Ye-yes, it was her. It was... Honerva. Whatever she said, I wouldn't have understood even now, it was a foreign language. Anyway... I--"

"S-sorry, I need a moment, I need to... breathe..."

The memories. Those ones. How come he has them, anyway? But apparently he has them. But he never remembered until he remembered, and it's true.

The memories, they... perhaps they're best not remembered, because they hurt, and he can barely breathe, right now, and he might either hyperventilate or stop breathing. He needs air, he thinks.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"She better stay away." Fury rushes through his emotions and with it the ill feelings. "She'll never bother you again."

He steps back but he can't bear letting go of the shirt. He can feel the pain and falters in indecision. A moment later he hugs Hiroki. "Whatever has happened, you'll always be welcome here....with me."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

He will appreciate all this, surely, but right now he's a little busy breathing.

Quiznak it all.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy doesn't let go. He just stands there holding him. Finally, hand hurting from being clenched so long, he lets go of Hiroki's shirt, if only to wrap bother arms around him while he catches his breath.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"If you...are sure... you understand... that I don't know if I won't do something utterly horrible to you if I stay... even if I don't want to... to ever, ever hurt you--- if you understand that. Then... I will stay."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"Life is risky if you actually want to live it." Ziggy finally smiles briefly while stroking Hiroki's hair. "I would rather risk, would rather run the risk on you, than not live whatever life I have."

Ziggy sighs and the tension very slowly starts to leave his body. He's feeling exhausted from the strain.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

There's simply. So many, many feelings, all his very own, and many of them contradictory. So, that was possible - contradictory, conflicting emotions - when he was, now, only simply his own person... thing... too?

Huh. Right. True, that happens sometimes. Even to the real people. It had happened sometimes in old memories, too. That is, in memories not truly his own, he knew now. That felt a bit more distant, with every... In Takashi Shirogane's memories. Doesn't mean they can't pop up, sometimes, still, irrelevantly, at convenient times and at most inconvenient times.

Takashi, how important am I to you?

I can't go through this again.

Don't expect me to be here once you come back.

Ah-

The clone shakes his head. The memory really isn't relevant to the situation at hand, and, oh Voltron, what would Ziggy say, anyway?

Once he quite catches his breath again, he cackles.

Then, after a moment, he says,

"Were I a good person, truly, I'd leave you forever right now. You're too good for me, and I know that. Well, not just now. You were, that time before the elevator...no. You always were. I didn't know that, back then, because I didn't remember I'm not- not even Takashi Shirogane, if that'd be enough."

"You just can't imagine the future, yet. That's nice. But I can. Someday, surely you'll rightly hate me for staying. Just as Voltron surely hates me right now."

Surely.

No, he hasn't asked them, the Team, and the Black Lion, and the coalition, why bother?

Wait. Matt Holt was in Nexus. Not hating Shi.... Hiroki. Not hateful at all, just surprised. Confused.

Maybe there was a flaw in Ta... in Hiroki Shirogane's reasoning.

His eyes widen. Had he been letting his own remorse rule him and override everything?

Ah, but why should he NOT?
But...
"If I ever... if I kill you someday, I'll kill myself right after I'm back to my senses."
And, finally, he returns the hug, shakily.

"So... it's alright to be here, I hope. If life's a risk and all, as you say. Can I also... call this place home...? Just for a little bit, I swear."

Please, Ziggy, Hiroki now thinks-- feels.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"I hope someday you realize you're a good person." Ziggy whispers. What else can he do. The whole ordeal has exhausted him. He has half his mind to just curl up with Hiroki somewhere and sleep. He rarely sleeps, though he's not like his mother's people who never sleep, but right now the comfort of laying down with someone to rest is incredibly appealing.

Ziggy looks at him and shakes his head. "Hiroki, I can imagine a future. It's just not the dark one you see."

Was that right? Ziggy tried to think if he had been imagining a future. No, but now he just might. It hurts though to hear anything about suicide. Ziggy doesn't want to imagine anyone dead, especially not people close to him.

"I invited you here." Ziggy reminds him then smiles. "My lifestyle's a bit manic but I want to be part of your home. I hope you'll stay longer than a little bit."

It felt so weird to say that, so very strange but it also felt right.

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Thank you."

That's not enough. But there are no words that are.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

"You're welcome." Ziggy smiles. He isn't always one for words either. Emotions and reckless actions are more his usual.

"Come sit and rest." He laughs quietly. "You'll need to learn to actually make yourself at home here, if you want it to be your home."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

Hiroki Shirogane sits down heavily at closest chair or anything. Flops down, really.

Exhausted.

"Arya... Quiznak, you're right, I'm still a little tired."

[ziggyplayedguitar]

Ziggy tugs at his hand. "Why don't we, or you at least, go lay down in the bed where it's comfortable."

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"Vrepit sa... I mean... yeah, sure..."

Goes there.

[ziggyplayedguitar]

The wierd words cause a ripple of worry that quickly passes. Ziggy doesnt slip usually but he can speak his mother's language.

Own him to the bedroom "Do you want me tk stay while you sleep?"

[somekindofspaceuncle]

"If you have nothing better to do, go ahead."