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somekindofspaceuncleHiroki doesn't remember, exactly. His early life, that is. Childhood, somebody could call it, even, maybe, but that's no childhood, Hiroki won't call it childhood. If that was childhood, he'd cry about that child's (himself, yes, himself that he barely remembers) life. He would.
Funny thing is, most of the words he'd put this in, they come from the future, applied retroactively. The young himself back then didn't know many words, really. Not many words he'd know the meaning of, before Takashi Shirogane's memories had been forced into him.
So these are - feelings, instincts, the bare reality of things, retroactively translated into words by himself later for himself to understand. Maybe-
Yeah. That's it.
He says he doesn't remember, but maybe he doesn't remember - yet - much -because he does NOT WANT to remember, not because he CANNOT, in other words, isn't he himself to blame, if he doesn't remember? The early life. Maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months, he doesn't know, he cannot know, because himself back then, Subject Y0XT39, had absolutely no concept of time. He only knows time now because Shiro knows time, that had been uploaded together with everything from Shiro's memories. If not for that, would he have the concept of time, himself, by now? How old is he? The intuitive answer is twenty eight, and that answer is WRONG, but it feels right, and that's how... isn't his life still a lie? No, it's not, but his age is. He can't be twenty eight years old, nor can he be three years old, and that's why he's a freak of nature, because even right answers are a lie to his brain.
Sometimes, he feels fourteen years old nowadays, and perhaps that'd be most right, but that's just a fantasy. That's just a boyish desire.
But, back to memories. He doesn't remember much, perhaps because he does not want to remember. He is...
He is glad he had been blind, in the beginning. He doesn't know what his body had looked like, back then, as he couldn't see it. What would he have seen, back then, in those earliest memories, had his eyes worked? A toddler? A preteen? He probably would have cried, for the past himself, for the himself back then, right now, if so, because...
He remembers when almost drifting to sleep. That's when he remembers, slowly, only as much trickling in through the walls that had been built by Honerva as... as much as... as much as he right now allows? In order to stay sane...
He remembers, then, when drifting off to sleep. He tries to wall that off, slightly, too, so that Ziggy doesn't hear. It'd be upsetting, surely.
He had been blind, back then. And perhaps a child. He had been in liquid - he knows now, that he had been in the pod. An existence mainly comprised of sleeping, and sleeping was good, because in sleep, there was sometimes a flash of something. But in wakeness, the world was liquid, and pain, and nothing, because being blind, he could not see a thing. At first - was it even at first, or weeks later - again, no concept of time back then - waking up was just too scary (another retroactive word). Waking up meant feeling as if he was drowning. He could breathe, but he didn't know he could, and so, he would panic, and panic, the survival instict, he'd try to go through the liquid, and then through the solid (how weak had he been, he wonders today, if the glass of the pod felt like impregnable steel and there was no hope of getting out), to get out, out, out, to breathe!! and when all attempts failed, he'd fall asleep, and that was like being saved, because in dream, he didn't know he felt as if he couldn't breathe, and so, he breathed calmly.
Then, came the whispers. Another retroactive word, but that's what they had been. Because a child learns the language, he was slowly learning whatever language the whispers, directly to his mind, came in. Altean, perhaps. Maybe Altean. Because... because the one whispering had been HER.
It took him some time, but he must've, looking back he realises, he must've realised that the whispers were alien to himself.
In other words, though how strange that had been, he was not one of the only three things (himself, the liquid, and the solid thing around the liquid) in the whole world
And then knowing that, he had suddenly felt so, so, so... alone, perhaps? Not as if he had words for it, back then. The whispers... they hurt, but it was such a relief when they came, when he wasn't the only thing in the whole world, just for a moment. Such a relief.
The first thing he properly understood where numbers. Well, not quite, as he couldn't count, but, it was imparted to him, accidentally or not, he knows not, even now, that he was one of many. He thinks... there was a time when he must've felt almost happy about that.
Almost happy.
Not alone.
Then, other whispers came, sometimes. Not her. The Druids, he now knows. Checking whether his mind is developed enough to react to their presence, he knows now.
They'd come and go, leaving very quickly. He looked forward to their visits, even though they hurt. (But everything hurt. Always. So it was better to hurt a bit more if that was a price for not being the only thing in the world. Right? Some Druids, he knows now, thought he was probably worthless, like all other Subjects. And maybe he was. Still, it was always good to get a momentary visit. Wait, was it?
Well. It had felt so, back then. The alternative was total isolation. Or sleep. But that was getting stale, sometimes, even if he had no concept of times. The almost dreamless sleep, with only flashes of something, sometimes. Where did the flashes come from? Perhaps some of his core quintessence, that had to be, surely, copied from Shiro's.
So when he dreamt, he dreamt, perhaps, of what Shiro would dream of, if Shiro had no memories.
Nevermind that. Later - it probably had to be later - again, no concept of time - he was, sometimes, taken out of the pod, which was a shock, because he didn't know, not really, not quite, back then, that that was not the whole universe, that pod.
And then the pain would come. Why or how, he didn't know. They were checking something. Many things. Checking if he's at least a little functional. Checking whether he has quintessence (he knows now, looking back on conversations, now that he understand, that getting somebody else's quintessence, a tiny part of it, into somebody else's body, is like replanting a tree. Really not guaranteed to work - in another soil, a tree might just die.
Sometime around there, though again, back then he had no concept of time, they must've decided, SHE must've decided, that there is a chance that he might be good enough - at existing - because that's when they, the Galrans, had cut his right arm off. He still couldn't see, back then.
Pain. He didn't really feel anger, back then, only pain, and-- that's probably because-- to feel anger, one must know, that something else than what happened, could've happened -- and to him, back then, that was... like an earthquake. Do people get angry at earthquakes?
He knows, because, nowadays, he can compare the memory of losing his right arm to the memory of Shiro losing his right arm. Shiro had been angry, had every right to be, knew to be, and--
But he? He didn't know a thing. There was not even tiniest relief of anger at HER, because... because he had known nothing, back then.
Nothing at all.
He doesn't know to remember more right now. Maybe another day. He remembers snippets of conversations, like...
Some Druid asking HER, no, wait, telling her, that the memory transfer, of Black Paladin's memories, into a few subjects had been a success, but then they minds collapsed, possibly because they lacked awareness to be able to parse memories.
And he remembers, after, the whispers telling him that his name is Takashi Shirogane. Telling him a few other things, too. Awareness, huh? That had to be it. Building his awareness. Lies, of course, but... so that he'd be able to parse the memories, and not only pain, when that all came, later.
So he would...
He doesn't want to remember anymore. He drifts off to sleep, hoping that maybe Ziggy's closeness will mean that he, Hiroki, won't dream of it all, and then embarassed, because Ziggy's not some kind of a teddy bear.
Still... maybe he just doesn't want to remember anymore.
Your name is Takashi Shirogane. You are a Paladin of Voltron. You must be a Paladin of Voltron. Without that, you're nothing. If you can't be Takashi Shirogane, you'll be disposed of.
He remembers those words, now. He doesn't want to remember anymore, from that time back then, right now. Not anymore. He doesn't know anymore, because he has a feeling, that if he remembers... he'll be scared, horrified, at not being Shiro. He's not Shiro, and that.. that will scare him... because if he's not Shiro... then there can be only pain. (Awareness. So that he could accept memories later. That's awareness? That's sick.).
So, maybe that's enough remembering for now.
Funny thing is, most of the words he'd put this in, they come from the future, applied retroactively. The young himself back then didn't know many words, really. Not many words he'd know the meaning of, before Takashi Shirogane's memories had been forced into him.
So these are - feelings, instincts, the bare reality of things, retroactively translated into words by himself later for himself to understand. Maybe-
Yeah. That's it.
He says he doesn't remember, but maybe he doesn't remember - yet - much -because he does NOT WANT to remember, not because he CANNOT, in other words, isn't he himself to blame, if he doesn't remember? The early life. Maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months, he doesn't know, he cannot know, because himself back then, Subject Y0XT39, had absolutely no concept of time. He only knows time now because Shiro knows time, that had been uploaded together with everything from Shiro's memories. If not for that, would he have the concept of time, himself, by now? How old is he? The intuitive answer is twenty eight, and that answer is WRONG, but it feels right, and that's how... isn't his life still a lie? No, it's not, but his age is. He can't be twenty eight years old, nor can he be three years old, and that's why he's a freak of nature, because even right answers are a lie to his brain.
Sometimes, he feels fourteen years old nowadays, and perhaps that'd be most right, but that's just a fantasy. That's just a boyish desire.
But, back to memories. He doesn't remember much, perhaps because he does not want to remember. He is...
He is glad he had been blind, in the beginning. He doesn't know what his body had looked like, back then, as he couldn't see it. What would he have seen, back then, in those earliest memories, had his eyes worked? A toddler? A preteen? He probably would have cried, for the past himself, for the himself back then, right now, if so, because...
He remembers when almost drifting to sleep. That's when he remembers, slowly, only as much trickling in through the walls that had been built by Honerva as... as much as... as much as he right now allows? In order to stay sane...
He remembers, then, when drifting off to sleep. He tries to wall that off, slightly, too, so that Ziggy doesn't hear. It'd be upsetting, surely.
He had been blind, back then. And perhaps a child. He had been in liquid - he knows now, that he had been in the pod. An existence mainly comprised of sleeping, and sleeping was good, because in sleep, there was sometimes a flash of something. But in wakeness, the world was liquid, and pain, and nothing, because being blind, he could not see a thing. At first - was it even at first, or weeks later - again, no concept of time back then - waking up was just too scary (another retroactive word). Waking up meant feeling as if he was drowning. He could breathe, but he didn't know he could, and so, he would panic, and panic, the survival instict, he'd try to go through the liquid, and then through the solid (how weak had he been, he wonders today, if the glass of the pod felt like impregnable steel and there was no hope of getting out), to get out, out, out, to breathe!! and when all attempts failed, he'd fall asleep, and that was like being saved, because in dream, he didn't know he felt as if he couldn't breathe, and so, he breathed calmly.
Then, came the whispers. Another retroactive word, but that's what they had been. Because a child learns the language, he was slowly learning whatever language the whispers, directly to his mind, came in. Altean, perhaps. Maybe Altean. Because... because the one whispering had been HER.
It took him some time, but he must've, looking back he realises, he must've realised that the whispers were alien to himself.
In other words, though how strange that had been, he was not one of the only three things (himself, the liquid, and the solid thing around the liquid) in the whole world
And then knowing that, he had suddenly felt so, so, so... alone, perhaps? Not as if he had words for it, back then. The whispers... they hurt, but it was such a relief when they came, when he wasn't the only thing in the whole world, just for a moment. Such a relief.
The first thing he properly understood where numbers. Well, not quite, as he couldn't count, but, it was imparted to him, accidentally or not, he knows not, even now, that he was one of many. He thinks... there was a time when he must've felt almost happy about that.
Almost happy.
Not alone.
Then, other whispers came, sometimes. Not her. The Druids, he now knows. Checking whether his mind is developed enough to react to their presence, he knows now.
They'd come and go, leaving very quickly. He looked forward to their visits, even though they hurt. (But everything hurt. Always. So it was better to hurt a bit more if that was a price for not being the only thing in the world. Right? Some Druids, he knows now, thought he was probably worthless, like all other Subjects. And maybe he was. Still, it was always good to get a momentary visit. Wait, was it?
Well. It had felt so, back then. The alternative was total isolation. Or sleep. But that was getting stale, sometimes, even if he had no concept of times. The almost dreamless sleep, with only flashes of something, sometimes. Where did the flashes come from? Perhaps some of his core quintessence, that had to be, surely, copied from Shiro's.
So when he dreamt, he dreamt, perhaps, of what Shiro would dream of, if Shiro had no memories.
Nevermind that. Later - it probably had to be later - again, no concept of time - he was, sometimes, taken out of the pod, which was a shock, because he didn't know, not really, not quite, back then, that that was not the whole universe, that pod.
And then the pain would come. Why or how, he didn't know. They were checking something. Many things. Checking if he's at least a little functional. Checking whether he has quintessence (he knows now, looking back on conversations, now that he understand, that getting somebody else's quintessence, a tiny part of it, into somebody else's body, is like replanting a tree. Really not guaranteed to work - in another soil, a tree might just die.
Sometime around there, though again, back then he had no concept of time, they must've decided, SHE must've decided, that there is a chance that he might be good enough - at existing - because that's when they, the Galrans, had cut his right arm off. He still couldn't see, back then.
Pain. He didn't really feel anger, back then, only pain, and-- that's probably because-- to feel anger, one must know, that something else than what happened, could've happened -- and to him, back then, that was... like an earthquake. Do people get angry at earthquakes?
He knows, because, nowadays, he can compare the memory of losing his right arm to the memory of Shiro losing his right arm. Shiro had been angry, had every right to be, knew to be, and--
But he? He didn't know a thing. There was not even tiniest relief of anger at HER, because... because he had known nothing, back then.
Nothing at all.
He doesn't know to remember more right now. Maybe another day. He remembers snippets of conversations, like...
Some Druid asking HER, no, wait, telling her, that the memory transfer, of Black Paladin's memories, into a few subjects had been a success, but then they minds collapsed, possibly because they lacked awareness to be able to parse memories.
And he remembers, after, the whispers telling him that his name is Takashi Shirogane. Telling him a few other things, too. Awareness, huh? That had to be it. Building his awareness. Lies, of course, but... so that he'd be able to parse the memories, and not only pain, when that all came, later.
So he would...
He doesn't want to remember anymore. He drifts off to sleep, hoping that maybe Ziggy's closeness will mean that he, Hiroki, won't dream of it all, and then embarassed, because Ziggy's not some kind of a teddy bear.
Still... maybe he just doesn't want to remember anymore.
Your name is Takashi Shirogane. You are a Paladin of Voltron. You must be a Paladin of Voltron. Without that, you're nothing. If you can't be Takashi Shirogane, you'll be disposed of.
He remembers those words, now. He doesn't want to remember anymore, from that time back then, right now. Not anymore. He doesn't know anymore, because he has a feeling, that if he remembers... he'll be scared, horrified, at not being Shiro. He's not Shiro, and that.. that will scare him... because if he's not Shiro... then there can be only pain. (Awareness. So that he could accept memories later. That's awareness? That's sick.).
So, maybe that's enough remembering for now.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-22 12:54 pm (UTC)Tommy sat unblinking in one if the chairs. He was still processing the sorrow of learning his children had died. She felt for him, a desperate sort of desire to mend his wounds even if nothing could.
Aletayria sat with a cup of water, nibbling at food while the cats lay beside her slumbering and Tom'shead rested in her lap. She couldn't remember how long it had taken to soothe him enough that he finally gave in to exhaustion. The house was quiet when the first memories came in loud from Hiroki. At first she paid them no mind but after a time they felt like a nightmare.
Rising from the couch she went into the bedroom and sat on the bedside. She let the calm of her presence settle on the young man though she had no way of knowing if it was her presence that stopped the thoughts or if they faded of thier own accord. They seemed perfect there cuddled together in each other's arms and yet so physically different.
Gently she pushes the hair away from his face. "It's just a memory. You're here and safe."
She whispers and draws on the memories she had heard. "You are my child now and free to be as reckless as a teenager. It is safe here."
There she would stay, calm presence and gentle touches until she was sure the memories would allow him to rest.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-23 09:06 pm (UTC)Surely trying to remember had been the worst idea. Why'd he do that, again?
He's somewhere between waking and sleep, perhaps nightmare, when her voice and her presence soothe him. It's like - like having a mother, almost, he feels. He leans into her touch. It's so soothing.
"I thought-" Hiroki murmurs, half-asleep, "I thought I must make myself remember, my own... own beginning, to--to learn who- who I am, really. But it hurts."
"Besides, what does it help to remember th--that I don't matter? I had spent my life not knowing that, and then, suddenly--that was a shock---but I should've known..."
no subject
Date: 2020-09-23 10:06 pm (UTC)"You did matter. It was only that the people around you were too blind to see your worth." She leans down and presses a kiss to his temple. "Now you have a family and I hope you know you matter, if to no one else.. at least to my child in your arms."
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Date: 2020-09-23 10:48 pm (UTC)He sighs.
I was only - a mass-produced thing, wasn't I? It's, it's fine, I have no right to any sympathy. Because out of them-
A memory flashes in his mind, of other clones of Shiro, all sleeping in cryo-pods.
I'm the lucky one. And surely I haven't earned that.
Some of the doubt gets pushed back when Aletayria mentions Ziggy. He clings to Ziggy at that.
Ziggy knows about me, and yet believes I'm a person. He's found things that make me unique--- I don't even know if he's not mistaken, but-
Yes, he's a person in Ziggy's eyes, so unless Ziggy's completely blind about him...
And then, Aletayria.
"I know now - I was never supposed to be anyone's child, but--"
But you feel like a mother to me.
Hiroki smiles softly.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-23 11:52 pm (UTC)She shakes her head at his comment. "The person judging you at the time is no one I would use as a good judge of worth."
After all she had met Honerva and saw her lacking in so many ways. She laughs lightly, something that is rare because laughter is not normal for Anthean. "I don't think Ziggy is someone who would fall in love with anyone other than a unique person."
She looks down affectionately at the young man clinging to her child and takes his hand. You are my child now. You are to be the mate of my child and join my family. Humans adopt children who are alone? My people do.
<3
Date: 2020-09-24 06:27 am (UTC)But - I love Ziggy, and that's no illusion, I swear.
Twins-
Waking up fully now, Hiroki giggles.
"True, twins are unique, too," he utters. "You could say I'm a twin now - that's what Shiro and I agreed to try to be, because anything else is just too weird, you see? Maybe it's just a make-believe for us, but I'm liking it so far. Being a twin brother."
He takes her hand gently and looks at it. Locks their fingers together.
I thought- I thought you'd hate me, he thinks, despite himself. For bringing pain to Ziggy. You're too kind. I want to join your family, more than anything. All of you are- such kind people. You don't resent me?
no subject
Date: 2020-09-24 09:59 am (UTC)As Hiroki starts thinking a lot more about Ziggy he stirs grumbling and pulling into Hiroki's chest a little more.
"I don't think there is anything wrong with thinking you're twins. Cloning does make identical twins as much as birth does." She's glad to hear that laugh and see him a little less anxious. Holding tight to his hand she shakes her head.
My people have a bias against humans and your kind have hurt my family. I had to be sure that you would be safe but I see now that you do so much good for my child. He's grown a lot since he's met you and the two of you are so full of love when you are together. You don't resent people for things that have happened to them.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-24 11:40 am (UTC)Because he, Hiroki, was no one worthy, was just an evil clone of Shiro, wasn't he? And trying to redeem own existence nowadays.
However, to hear Aletayria's opinion - he can believe it, he must, she's Ziggy's Mother, so who'd know what's alright for her child, if not her?
He hasn't yet realised, quite, that he's close to tears. Might cry in a moment.
He might be embarassed, once that happens, but this, this is relief. And hope for the future.
He clings to Ziggy, consciously now. As if he never wants to let go.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-24 01:19 pm (UTC)"Why don't I leave you two to rest. I'm just out in the other room if you need me."
Ziggy grumbles at being moved around as Hiroki shifts.
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Date: 2020-09-24 01:59 pm (UTC)Hiroki yawns, ready to fall back asleep.
Oh, but--
"I think you should know, mother, I--"he whispers, so as not to wake Ziggy up. "Ziggy has- shared energy with me, because I was going to run out of mine. I-- I hope that's alright? For Ziggy? If it's not, I'll tell not to give me more"
She'd know best, she's the Anthean here. And he had wanted to ask, ever since.
He's probably going to fall asleep right after she answers him.
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Date: 2020-09-24 02:09 pm (UTC)Ziggy's extreme exhaustion suddenly made sense but she understood. If the situation were with Tom she would probably be doing just the same.
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Date: 2020-09-24 02:42 pm (UTC)Calmed down now considerably, Hiroki drifts off into sleep. He might explain to Aletayria someday, just how damaged he had been trying to resist Honerva back home, back then, the first time time the witch had taken completely over him. That, and the fact that Honerva made him use a lot of clone's own quintessence firing the prosthetic arm (after all, that's what it was for, since he was a weapon--), all of that... that's why, back then, he was going to die, and after, would shortly probably cease to exist, as well. That's how large the drain had been.
But, yes, Ziggy's in control, and not overly drained. Alright. In such case, he can accept Ziggy's help in continued existence, same as he's accepted Shiro's, and the White Lion's. (Shiro could only give him a little bit, as he's only human, but every little bit counts.)
He falls asleep now, feeling safer with Ziggy and Aletayria close. Maybe he won't have nightmares (memories), during this sleep.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-24 05:48 pm (UTC)Antheans were natural parents but as thier species got so close to extinction they became doting and dangerously protective of thier children. She hummed quietly the thread of some old Anthean song that had come to mind but after a time she gets up to let the two sleep out the night, hopefully without disturbances.
no subject
Date: 2020-11-16 07:12 am (UTC)She feels like a Mother, he supposes, (Shiro wouldn't know, either... but maybe...)...though he can only guess.
Mom, he thinks, unconsciously, asleep now. He's close to crying, but then he doesn't, as he falls deeper into sleep.
Who knows whether he'll even remember it as reality tomorrow, or be sure it was, seeing her comfort him like this, just a nice dream.
Who knows...? Honestly. Time will tell if he will.
As he's sleeping, his soul's trying to be as close to Ziggy as possible, always. It's never close enough for Hiroki's liking, if it can be even closer.